For those of you that may want to ask me computer questions.
Calling me with a question | $10 |
Calling me with a stupid question | $20 |
Calling me with a stupid question you can't quite articulate | $30 |
Implying I'm incompetant because I can't interpret your inarticulate problem description | $1000+punitive damages |
Questions received via phone without first trying help desk | $10.00 |
Questions where answer is in RTFM | $10.00 + |
Calling me back with the same problem *after* I fix it once | $100 |
Insisting that you're not breaking the software, the problem is on my end somehow | $200 |
Asking me to walk over to your cubicle / office to fix the problem | $5/step |
Asking me to drive to another town to fix your problem | $50/mile+gas |
If you interrupt me while I was reading news | $25/hr |
If you interrupt me while I was trying to actually fix somebody else's problem | $45/hr |
If you try to hang around and get me to fix it now | $50/hr |
If you expect me to tell you how I fixed it | $60/hr |
If you've come to ask me why something isn't working that I'm currently working on | $70/hr |
If you're asking me to fix something I fixed for you yesterday | $75/hr |
If you're asking me to fix something I told you I fixed yesterday, but never did fix | $85/hr |
If you're asking me to fix a quick patch that I made that didn't work | $95/hr |
Making me trek to your office to fix your problem then leaving immediately after hanging up the phone | $1500.00 |
Calling up with a problem which "everybody" in the office is having and which is "stopping all work." Not being there when I rush over to look at it and nobody else in the office knows anything about it. | $1700.00 |
Explaining a problem for 1/2 hour over the phone BEFORE mentioning it's your personal machine at home | $500.00 |
Self-diagnosing your problem and informing me what to do | $150.00 |
Having me bail you out when you perform your own repairs | $300.00 |
Not telling all of your co-workers about it | $850.00 |
Calling me and asking about problems that are completely documented in company help documents. | $400.00 |
The second time you ask me about a documented problem | $800.00 |
The third time you ask me | $1200.00 and your first born child |
Asking me how long the network will be unavailable while I working late on updates or upgrades | $125.00 |
Complaining about the time estimate I give you and saying you have a job that just has to get done | $500.00 |
Asking me how long the network will be down after a crash | $250.00 |
Asking a second time | $500.00 and an extra hour added until you can login |
Asking more than twice | $1000.00 and an extra hour for each complaint received from anyone |
Figuring out you mean floppy drive when you say hard drive | $50.00 |
BEFORE I order your replacement hard drive | $250.00 |
Fixing your "broken" mouse with a mousepad | $25.00 |
Fixing a "broken" mouse by cleaning the rollers | $50.00 |
Fixing your "broken" printer with an ink/toner cartridge | $35.00 |
Fixing your "broken" ANYTHING with the power button | $250.00 |
Fixing the broken PC by plugging the monitor lead back in | $50 |
Forgetting your network password right after you changed it | $25 |
| Forgetting your network password a second time after changing it | $50 |
| Forgetting your network password a third time after changing it | $100 and you must wear a sign that says "I am an idiot" for a week. |
Installing programs without informing me /getting permission first | $100 |
Technical support for the above programs | $150/hr |
Spilling Coke or other liquid on keyboard | $25 plus cost of keyboard |
Spilling Coke or other liquid on monitor | $50 plus cost of monitor |
Spilling Coke or other liquid on CPU | $200 plus cost of motherboard swap plus hourly rate of $150 per hour spent reinstalling the system |
Leaving files on desktop | $5 per file, $10 per day the file is left unclaimed |
Asking me to clean your computer for you because you "don't know how" | $50.00 |
Me actually cleaning the computer for you | $25.00 / minute wasted |
Cleaning the mouse with spit and sleeve | $50 plus cost of sleeve plus cost of therapy :) |
Bringing in your own copy of the original Norton Utilities v1.0 to fix a brand new machine | $200 |
Chewing on the end of the graphic tablet stylus | $25 |
Putting feet up next to workstation after ten mile jog through Denver streets | $50 |
Spending 30 minutes trying to figureout what your problem is, and another 5 explaining how to verify and fix it, only to hear you say... "So that's what the little box that popped up on my screen was telling me; to do!" | $40 |
Listening to your network troubles, suggesting that you check to see if you are plugged into the network jack, hearing yes, trying five other things, asking you to identify your plug type, listening to you drag furniture, and hearing a sheepish, "Oops. Nevermind." | $35 (including discount for polite apology) |
Not logging out of the network at night | $50 |
Not logging out of the network at night and then denying it, even when shown the log | $500 |
Dealing with tech support requests for obviously pirated software | $25 |
Dealing with "How can I get another copy of [obviously pirated software]? Mine just died." requests | $45 |
Having to use the "I'm really not the person to talk to about that; why don't you try calling the number on the box in which you bought it?" line | $55 |
Never using a program that I installed for you because you insisted you had to have it (includes drawing programs, Lotus Notes, vendor catalogs, shipping software, etc.) | $100 |
Actually needing to explain copyright law to you after you failed to get the hint in the previous response | $95 |
Having to point out anything that's on the wall in a typeface larger than 18 points | $15 |
If I wrote the sign | $45 |
If it's in a 144 point font and taped to the side of the monitor facing the door | $75 |
Reporting that the network is running slow | $25 |
Reporting it more than once | $50 |
Reporting it more than once and implying slothfullness on tech support's inability to solve problem | $200 |
